It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
