You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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