So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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