Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
