If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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