So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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