At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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