I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
