Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
