he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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