Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
