In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
