Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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