I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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