If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
