Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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