I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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