apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
This baby is an asshole
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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