So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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