connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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