They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
why does every cop we meet know your name?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
