"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
