Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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