Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
