At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
