too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
