you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How's work?
Spinning.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
