You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
