so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
