I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
