PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
