If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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