What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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