I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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