I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
