I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
