I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize
