hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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