Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
