i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
All I want is dick and wine.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
