bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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