Apparently you make a good broom.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
