Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
