we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
