It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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