just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just puked most of my soul out..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
