5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
