Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
