She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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