What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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