dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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